Conscience Speak

Letting friends go

When do you let your friends go?

Answer: If you have to ask yourself that, the answer should be evident. 

Within the friend group I have established at my university, essentially my go-to friend group due to living proximity and being the same age and all, I have gathered “best friends.” One of these, who frequently calls me her best friend, I am ready to be done with. But why?

In order to be my friend, I have very few criteria. In order to be a great friend, I have a bit higher standards. She’s falls somewhere in between.

I need to be able to trust you. This lends to trusting you to have my best intentions in mind, which is a much fancier way to say you want me to be happy and are mindful.

I need to be able to have reciprocal contact. You share, I share. It is really as simple as that, almost along the lines of the definition of friendship. No, it IS the definition of friendship. It needs to be 50/50 effort, otherwise I am just left feeling used and as if I have wasted my time.

I need people to gain a good perception of my person through you. This seems a bit deeper than the others, but is what inevitably happens in every friendship. It goes along the lines of your friend having your back, but less along the trusting issue. I need you to give a good impression of me to your friends, or whoever is in question. People gauge a person off of what their friend says; people treat a person off of how their friend treats them. I need you to not undermine me in front of third parties and make me into a farce.

I need you to get me. Simply that.

Currently I have been out of contact with this friend. It is unfair to them because they do not know what is up, except that I am being distant. When we are in contact, they are quick to assume I am upset with them. In truth, I am, but not “upset,” it is much more profound than that. Being so, I quickly feign fires and lead them on without questions answered or quelps unstrengthened. 

I do it because I am figuring out my feelings, but this is a lame excuse. I do do it, however, because I often do not feel like starting drama. When is there a good time to tell someone who refers to you as their best friend that in actuality, they are a shitty friend and you wish to distance yourself, regardless if they act better? It is an unfortunate situation to be in, but that is where I am.

On my end, I would be an equally shitty friend (well, not equally) if I continued to not act in their best interest by teasing their feelings and not getting at the truth. It began in a sparing, keeping them happy bout, but has lasted too long to be considered nice or fair. Now it is just cruel and utterly non-confrontational, and while good in theory, no one wants to be that person. Confrontation is necessary, it just needs to be done in a way that is understanding, healthy, and en pointe. Time is now.

"The god who made wisdom also made us fools."

Tyler Lyle

The Yeezy quote was timely for this post.

Highly recommend the book if interested in how research is or can be conducted, Africa, or primates. It’s not scientific or anything, and reads like a novel, because it is one. 

fickleblots:

Here is my melodramatic review of the ending to Sapolsky’s acclaimed A Primate’s Memoir (spoiler alert). This was a text to my friend who had me read the book, so emphatic and excited about me reading it.

You should have prepared me! It was like that scene in Toy Story 3 where you just KNOW…

"This shit is fucking ridiculous…fucking ridiculous."

Kanye West

So Much Reading to Do, So Little Time

I started to tweet that, but then decided it’d be better as a title on Tumblr, that it may come off pretentious, that I couldn’t think of a clever quip to tie it together nor a hashtag to accompany, and that it would be a nice seg-way for me to make a post on Tumblr.

The semester has ended at a screeching pace and I am back home. The way finals week(s) went: I had exam all in one week, the second of the two remaining weeks, which fall after T-Day. The first week is two days of classes, a study day, then exams for the remainder of the time. First week I cannot recall what I did, probably because it was not very productive. Second week studied a grand total of ~56+ hours in the library from Sunday to Thursday, 26 of which (25 if subtract time actually left library) were spent consecutively Wednesday to Thursday for double, back-to-back exams of Calc and Bio, which were fun. Tried adderall for first time, but WOAH on the thoughts as what played a large part in coaxing me was that I will be tested for it soon and should probably be on it. After taking it I tell you that I should be on it. 

Back at home now, nothing has changed except for I am getting a nice revamping to my wardrobe, spending quality time with the biffles (BFFL - lyk omg), and have an out of control sleep cycle. I have been Netflixing documentaries like crazy. I may write a piece on my other (science-y) blog about one possibly, but just know this: #savethehoneybees. I hope you can appreciate hashtag humor. Quick tangent here, my dear old friend pulled me into the Twitter ring about 3 years ago and we cultivated this hashtag humor before the whole Twitter jargon caught on and took off the last year and a half. No, I am not saying we invented hashtag humor (actually, we took it from my fav lesbian and personality, Danielle Owens-Reid), but that there is a humor to it and to not get upset by it on a different platform because the people simply annoy you with it on others (this is how hipsters got a bad rap…but really we all are hipsters). Back to the paragraph subject, I have been watching docs like crazy and been meaning to finish this book and start and finish my friend’s before the holidays get here and I have more to read from, BUT I have not been reading!!! I just finished Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and will no start (finally) to read. Hopefully I can do it all within a week. Sounds doable? Ha…we’ll see.

Adieu.

"We’re all missing something."

Lightyear

Breaking Myths

A myth I have always held to myself is that I am not smart, i.e. I am not good at school. This myth is dual-sided: I am smart, but not good at school and thus life, which would equal my intelligence low.

This myth has been held from my lack of study in school, little shortcomings here and there, and by having a relative with Huntington’s Disease, a degenerative brain disease my siblings always teased me about saying I would inherit it.

Being absent-minded, I forget things easily. In reality, while I am absent-minded, my brain processes things at such a high pace that I zip passed occurrences, sometimes deeming them unimportant, and forget these that which come back as a blip on my radar letting me know I am not smart. This may not make sense the first time around, but I am moving on. 

Within the last few weeks of this semester, workload has increased tenfold and I have logged countless hours in the library. Literally, logging 30+ the week before last, and last week logging too many for 2 days of classes. When I returned yesterday to campus, I was at the library within 20 minutes staying for the rest of the day. Point of the story: I know how to study now. I enjoy studying now (for studying). I always have enjoyed reading and learning, but now it pays off for me. 

Needless to say, this myth is essentially broken to the effect that I know I am smart. The Huntington’s still plagues my thoughts here and there, but in the now, I know I can get things done. It’s a glorious liberation.